Cracking the code of parenthood and leadership

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

My particular journey from engineering manager to director highlighted the surprising parallels that exist between being a parent and leading a team.

I’ve come to realize that building empathy, managing priorities, navigating challenges, and learning to let go are important in both roles.

Certain leaders – often those seen as nurturing – are expected to carry extra emotional weight within their teams. While I was never called the “team mom,” I felt the expectations of this unspoken role. While caring for others and fostering trust are powerful leadership traits, when this responsibility is assumed rather than acknowledged, it can become a burden.

It’s important to note that my goal is not to compare children to engineers, but rather to highlight some lessons and growth that both roles have given me. 

Encouraging growth means letting go

After I had my first child, I returned from leave and stepped into a senior leadership role. It was a turning point. Trusting myself as a leader felt very similar to trusting myself as a parent. 

I went on to lead six diverse teams, manage ambitious projects, and then have my second child. After returning to work again, I eventually became director of engineering in a new company.

Years later, I still remember when an engineer from my team came to me with a technical challenge back in my first management role. My initial instinct was to solve the problem for them. I wanted to shield my team from failure, frustration, or setbacks, holding on tightly and guiding every move to avoid mistakes. 

Very quickly, I learned that true leadership isnʼt about preventing failure but about creating the space for growth. I had to encourage independence, ensuring that my team had enough room to learn, step outside of their comfort zones, and even fail within a controlled environment. At first, the urge to micromanage was strong, but I realized that true leadership means trusting your team to take responsibility and learn on their own. 

Something similar happened when we bought my first child a bicycle. As someone who rides a bike myself, I knew intellectually that she had to fall a few times to learn, but that didnʼt make it easier to watch. Letting go was tough. I didnʼt want her to get hurt, feel frustrated, or fall so hard that she wouldnʼt want to try again. But I also knew that if I kept holding on, she would never find her balance.

Lesson 1: True growth, whether in a child or a team, happens when we create a safe space for others to step up, make mistakes, and discover their own strengths. Empowerment is not about stepping back entirely. It is about walking beside someone just long enough for them to realize they can move forward on their own.

Everyone is different: adapting to individual needs 

Looking at my two kids, it is impossible to deny how different people can be, even within the same home and upbringing.

My oldest has always been cautious and observant. From a very young age, she respected limits and approached the world with care. My youngest, on the other hand, is wildly curious and fearless. He climbs before thinking and races through life, persevering despite the risks. We learned quickly that what worked for one didnʼt necessarily work for the other. 

The same applies to leading teams. In my first year as a head of engineering, I managed a group of six leaders with different backgrounds, personalities, and levels of experience. Some needed hands-on support and regular coaching. Others thrived with autonomy and had already built strong leadership habits. I also had skip-level 1:1s with both long-standing employees and new joiners, each with very different needs.

Leadership, like parenting, is not about treating everyone the same. It is about understanding what makes each person unique and adapting how you support them.

Lesson 2: Great leaders and parents recognize that each person is unique. Adjusting your support style to the individual leads to better growth, confidence, and success.

Lead by example and model what matters 

One of the clearest parallels I have seen between parenting and leadership is the power of setting an example. 

At home, we try to teach our kids the importance of caring for themselves. But, like many parents learn, kids do not follow instructions. They follow what they see. If we eat poorly or spend hours on screens, they will too. The same applies at work. 

We can talk about collaboration, well-being, or feedback, but what we model has more impact. If we answer messages late at night, others will feel they should do the same. If we ask for feedback but react poorly, trust breaks down. Whether at home or in a team, people learn how to show up by watching how we show up. 

Lesson 3: In both parenting and leadership, the example you set becomes the standard others follow.

Navigating conflict: Listening before solving 

Conflict is part of both parenting and leadership. The key is learning how to respond rather than react. 

My kids regularly argue over a giant stuffed bear we won at a Christmas market. I do not love the bear, but they do. When the argument starts, my partner and I step in. We do not take sides. Instead, we help them express their feelings and work toward a fair solution. Sometimes that means taking turns. Other times, we decide based on who needs more comfort in the moment. If someone just bumped his head, for example, they get the bear first. 

Conflict shows up at work, too.

Once, two engineers on different teams disagreed over a pull request. What began as a technical discussion turned into a debate about how our teams should collaborate. One pushed for speed, while the other focused on maintainability. My role was not to choose a side, but to facilitate a conversation where both perspectives were heard. Together, we worked toward a compromise that respected both priorities.

Later, one of them reacted emotionally in a meeting, rejecting feedback with visible frustration. Instead of shutting the conversation down, I acknowledged their reaction without dismissing it, asked open-ended questions, and helped guide the discussion toward a more productive mindset. I also made it clear that we could pause and revisit the conversation at a better moment, likely a 1:1. That extra space helped them feel heard and allowed us to re-enter the conversation later with more clarity and trust.

Whether at work or at home, the goal is the same. Do not let frustration lead the outcome. Make space for emotions, listen carefully, and create structure for resolution.

Lesson 4: People want to feel heard more than they want to win. Resolving conflict takes empathy, presence, and a fair process. 

The “team parent” archetype

“Team parent” leaders often take on roles that focus on the emotional and relational health of the team. They tend to: 

• Mentor beyond technical or strategic guidance, offering support through personal challenges, confidence dips, or career uncertainty. 
• Mediate interpersonal tensions 
• Foster psychological safety 
• Absorb and help manage emotional stress across the group 

These contributions help teams thrive. The problem is not the work itself, but the expectation that certain leaders will always be the ones to do it. 

To start addressing the imbalance, we need to be more intentional. That means paying attention to who is consistently stepping into the emotional work, and asking whether it is being fairly recognized. Feedback, performance reviews, and promotions should reflect these contributions clearly. 

It also helps to put shared systems in place. Rotate responsibilities like onboarding buddies, peer mentoring, or team rituals so they are not always held by the same people. As leaders, we should also be checking in with ourselves: are we relying on the “empathic” ones by default? Are we unintentionally rewarding others for staying removed from this kind of work?

Equity in leadership starts with recognizing all forms of impact, not just the visible or measurable ones.

The negative knock-on effects of this are compounded by the fact that this sort of leadership is rarely acknowledged in performance reviews or tied to promotions. I have often been praised for being “great with people,ˮ which I value. Still, there have been times when that recognition seemed to overshadow my strategic thinking or decision-making. 

And even though this work is “invisible,” it takes a lot of energy. Doubly so, given that the burden is not shared equally. Leaders who are women, parents, or seen as naturally empathetic are often expected to take on this work. Others may be rewarded for delivery alone.

Constantly giving without time to recharge leads to emotional fatigue. Support, reflection, and rest are not luxuries. They are part of leading well and sustainably. 

How to redefine the role

Rather than stepping away from emotional leadership, I believe we need to name it, value it, and share it. Here are a few ways I’ve found helpful to make that shift in practice:

• Make emotional contributions visible. In performance reviews, include examples of emotional labor, such as mentoring peers, guiding conflict, or shaping team culture, as part of leadership impact. I often highlight these moments in feedback cycles and calibration sessions, especially when they contribute to retention or delivery. They also show up in engagement surveys, team stability, and feedback quality over time.
• Share the work of team care, mentorship, and culture-building. Start by naming these responsibilities openly. At Taxfix, we use an external praise tool to recognize contributions like onboarding support, team rituals, and morale-boosting moments. Rotate roles such as mentoring buddies or retro facilitators so the work is distributed. Leaders set the tone, but culture should be co-owned.
• Set boundaries and ask for support when needed. Let your team know when you are not available for emotional check-ins or non-urgent asks. Be honest with your manager when the load becomes too much. I’ve said things like, “Let’s come back to this when I can give it the attention it needs.” I even keep a sticker on my laptop that says, “Note to self: you can be nice and still say no.” Boundaries protect your energy and show others they can do the same.

Final takeaways 

Parenthood and leadership are both deeply human, high-stakes roles. They challenge us to be present, to make decisions with limited information, and to support others while continuing to grow ourselves. 

You do not have to separate who you are as a parent from who you are as a leader. The lessons from one can inform and enrich the other. When we lead with care, intention, and self-awareness, we create environments where others can do the same.